Post Election Day Reflection: When Words Aren't Enough

Today I found myself in the strangest state: calm, at ease. And when I decided to dig further to see what lies beneath, these are the words that I am able to muster up, in my own creative form, no structure, no rules, just allowing my inner child, my creativity to step forward. Here is my truth, my thoughts, and my emotions in its raw form.

Stillness

Sitting in stillness is hard

This morning I found myself in this weird state of being calm
But how can I be calm in such a politically and emotionally charged time?

Ah! Must have been from all the self-care
At least I did something right
Protecting my own energy and time (limiting doomscrolling)
Immunity from this nightmare, sick joke, dream, illusion exacerbated from microaggressions, hate, torture, power, money, greed, bullying,
Preying on the weak, ignorance, looking away because it’s far too painful to just be

The calm before the storm
And yet which storm am I in?
Is it the political storm
Is it the emotional storm
that’s brewing from all the past pain, trauma,
hurt for my community and other communities,
that are not mine by birth,
but mine by kinship

Always feeling othered and outside
Always feeling not good enough to belong to a community built of
Resilience, hope, strength, hard work, dedication

Alone
Alone
Alone

Adrenaline building up
Fear, fight, flight, or freeze brewing

Waiting
Waiting
Waiting

Preying
Preying
Preying

For that opportunity to slip in
And to take ahold of the host
Shocked in its feelings, emotions, and chaos

Rage
Anger
Disappointment
Self-doubt
Self-criticism 
Just as the waves breakthrough
The trauma breaks through, surfaces 
Tears streaming of relief
Trauma and memory of when you last felt like this
Calm before the storm

Entering into the house
Finding grandma on the floor,
Unconscious
Adrenaline kicking in
Giving clear, direct instructions to your sister to
Call 911, call uncle, pack water, pack food
Pack your homework bc it’s going to be awhile in the ER

Transported to a different time
In the back of the ambulance with her, with them, medical staff
Like a scene from Grey’s Anatomy 
You can’t believe you’re in there, that it’s your life
You’re excited to be part of the action, just like you see on TV
You know the language, medical, communicate, you translate
You comfort grandma to the best of your ability in your broken Chinese

You hold onto hope for her
Because that’s all that you can do

Hope
Hope
Hope for the best
Hope it isn’t the end

Numb
Numb
Numb by the rush 
Rational brain comes
No place for emotions

Stable
Stable
Stable

Family, Community joins in
Relief
Hard to let go
Wanting to be the protector of grandma
And for what she stands for

Uncontrollable
Waiting
That’s what the next day feels for this election
Emotional hangover 

Emotional hangover from all the years of trauma
Unprocessed pain 
All bundled up, ready to be served up as a dish
Explosion of flavors

Closing your eyes
Stillness
Tasting the notes, the complexities,
Knowing where the ingredients are from
Which lands, whose ancestral hands, pain, hard work

Sitting and shifting through the pain
Looking for hope
Embracing, acknowledging, savoring
Telling a story that’s not common in the same language
Telling a story through its flavors, through emotions

Sitting, experiencing, tasting
Listening, hearing, digesting

Slow down, enjoy the flavors
Go too fast, you’ll miss it

Calm, the first note
Grief, the second
Hunger, anger, disappointment
Broken

And last

Hope. 

Stillness,
Wisdom in stillness
Wisdom in guidance
of your being